Oh...let me sit here for a moment and, in a virtual sense remove, the dust that has overtaken my paper since I had last written. Which, unfortunately, was way too long ago!
For months, I have stared at this blank page with so much to say and yet I have been unable to speak. It is funny how life works that way.
And I had imagined my first post here to start quite differently, as more of an introduction of myself. But I find that at this moment there is one little story on my mind that I am unable to shake, so alas I will tell it now.
I just refreshed my Facebook-because who logs out anymore?-and found a friend posting about how much she really wanted her baby to be a girl.
The words "a girl" flashed through my head. And suddenly it wasn't October 20, 2012 anymore. It was March 23, 2011. In all the days of my life, I would be truly surprised if I ever forgot that day... and a few others. I remember wanting my baby to be a girl so badly! So badly that I wanted nothing else. Just a little girl. I even prayed that she would be a girl! And, in all honesty, if she had been a little boy that I may have been disappointed. HA I laugh at my ignorance and selfishness. Because that was indeed very selfish. I would say that God did answer my prayer though, just as I had asked.
It is quite humorous because now in that situation I would be asking a totally different question and praying a completely different prayer.
My sweet baby Emma was a little girl. She is the best thing to ever happen to me in the worst way possible. lol. But really. She was born on May 13, 2011. I found out on that day in March that she was a little girl. A very sick little girl. That whole day will be forever etched in my brain.
I slept in that day since I had worked an overnight shift the night before. I spent the afternoon with my husband taking every online test possible to tell me if she was to be a girl or boy until it was time to leave for my 4 o'clock appointment. The most ironic part of everything is that I wasn't even supposed to have an ultrasound that day. And what if I hadn't?
So we are at the doctor's appointment and my doctor said just for fun to see if we could tell the baby's sex we would take a peak on ultrasound. Who knew that in about 30 seconds my life changed FOREVER. In ways that, in the 30 seconds before, were not even comprehendible to my brain.
Long story short, she was sick. The second doctor didn't think she had more than two weeks in utero left to live. And that on the off chance that she did survive to birth, she would pass shortly there after.
I was 20 years old and 14 weeks pregnant. And they just told me that the best thing in my life was going to be undoubtably ripped away from me at any given moment.
I had to do things a 20 year old would never dream of doing. I had to make plans for my baby's death if she was to be born and die shortly after. I had to make plans if she was to pass while I was carrying her. I had to go to the baby store to pick out the outfit my baby was to be buried in. I had to give birth to a dead baby...
I feel that last sentence my sound cold and heartless. But in my heart, I feel that no one can even begin to understand my pain unless I phrase it so.
And after finding out she was girl, I felt so so guilty and constantly wondered why I had only asked that she would be a girl. I never prayed that she would be healthy. Ever. Oh how I wished I had. Maybe things would be so different... But more on all of that later.
Back to today, back to the post. I felt like I was reading unintended ignorance. And I want to explode on her post. People take for granted how much of a miracle and blessing each and every baby is. Because when you see that positive pregnancy test, no one person thinks this would be his or her fate. Emma was the best thing to happen to me in the worst way possible. Once I became pregnant with her little sister, I no longer selfishly pleaded that she was a girl. I just wanted her to be healthy, whether she be a boy or girl. So, after talking myself out of a horribly rude comment, I merely wrote, "a healthy baby is the most important thing to ask for."
It just frustrates me... because I had been that ignorant. Because I lost the one person I loved more than anything in the world. Because I would give anything to have a pregnancy that's worst part was morning sickness. Because I would love to have my sweet angel to hold in arms for just one moment more. And because more than anything, I wished I had never asked that question to begin with.
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